What Happened To Me

 In the blink of an eye, a single call transformed my life forever. After 34 years of service as a paramedic, firefighter, and member of the Air Force, I experienced a mental break during a particularly harrowing ambulance call. This incident didn’t just crack the surface; it shattered the dam, releasing a torrent of memories spanning decades—memories of sights, sounds, and experiences the human brain was never meant to endure. This was the onset of acute PTSD.

PTSD is not just a collection of symptoms; it is a relentless beast that consumes every aspect of your being. I’ve encountered anxiety that paralyzes, panic attacks that make my heart race

uncontrollably, and a terror so profound that it feels like I’m drowning in my own mind. Depression has become a constant shadow, sapping my will to engage with the world. My memory, once sharp and reliable, now fails me. Concentration and focus, essential tools of my trade, have disintegrated.

When a panic attack strikes, it’s not just a mental battle. My muscles contract involuntarily, as if every fiber of my being is bracing for impact. The pain is real and acute, shooting through my body like a series of electric shocks. My chest tightens, making each breath a laborious task. It feels as if an unseen force is squeezing the life out of me, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot control my own body. My hands shake, my legs go weak, and I am left gasping for air, desperately trying to regain control. The physical pain is as debilitating as the mental anguish, leaving me exhausted and drained.

Therapy has brought some improvements, but progress is painstakingly slow. My inability to recover swiftly led to my termination from the ambulance service. Losing my career was a blow, but losing my identity was devastating. For over three decades, my life revolved around lights and sirens. Now, that part of my life is over. Thirty-four years of training, learning, and schooling now seem meaningless. It feels like my entire existence has been for nothing. I am left questioning my worth, my purpose, and my very being.

I trusted my decisions implicitly in my career, but now I doubt every choice I make. The sense of failure is overwhelming. The loss of my career and retirement feels like the final nail in the coffin of my old life. I miss the camaraderie, the sense of purpose, the adrenaline. But I cannot risk another breakdown. The fear of a repeat experience looms large.

Financially, I am adrift. Bills pile up, and I struggle to buy food. Doctors have deemed me unfit to work, at least for now. They hold out hope that the radical treatment program I’m undergoing will eventually allow me to find employment again. But for now, it’s a waiting game—a wait filled with prayer and uncertainty.

PTSD is not just a condition; it is a destroyer of lives. It invades your thoughts, erodes your confidence, and isolates you from everything you once held dear. It’s a silent tormentor that few understand until they’ve faced it themselves.

 

The physical toll is as devastating as the mental, creating a cycle of pain and fear that feels inescapable. I hope my story sheds light on the true horrors of PTSD and the profound impact it has on those who suffer from it. If you see someone struggling, offer them your understanding and support. It might just save a life.

When the Past Catches Up: My Battle with PTSD

 When the Past Catches Up: My Battle with PTSD

It hit me like a freight train, a sudden onslaught of emotions I couldn't control, memories I couldn't escape. After decades of service as a firefighter, paramedic, and in various roles in the military and law enforcement, I thought I had a handle on stress, on crisis intervention. But PTSD doesn't care about your training or your experience. It blindsides you, leaving you reeling and questioning everything you thought you knew about yourself.

Growing up in a military family in cold-war Europe, I was no stranger to adversity. I spent over 20 years in the USAF, serving in deployments from Desert Storm to Operation New Dawn. I faced mortar and rocket attacks in Baghdad, running firefighting operations while dodging danger at every turn. Through it all, I prided myself on being the one who helped others through critical incidents, never realizing that one day I would be the one needing help.

The signs were there, subtle at first, easily dismissed as stress from the job. But then came the panic attacks, brutal and unrelenting, leaving me gasping for air, my heart racing as if it would burst from my chest. The constant anxiety gnawed at me, a relentless companion that I couldn't shake no matter how hard I tried. And worst of all was the feeling of not trusting my own decisions, second-guessing every move I made, terrified that I would make a mistake that would cost someone their life.

Physically, it's excruciating. My muscles tense and spasm, my body going rigid as if bracing for impact. I break out into a cold sweat, shivering despite the heat of the moment. Nausea churns in the pit of my stomach, threatening to betray me in the most humiliating way possible. It's as if every nerve in my body is on fire, screaming out in agony with each passing second.

But perhaps the most terrifying part is the feeling of helplessness, of being trapped in my own mind with no way out. It's like being locked in a room with no windows or doors, the darkness pressing in on all sides until it's all I can see, all I can feel. And no matter how hard I try to escape, to claw my way back to reality, I'm always dragged back down into the abyss.

Thankfully, I'm not facing this battle alone. With the help of a therapist, I've been exploring techniques like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), delving deep into the recesses of my mind to confront the events that haunt me. It's not easy, dredging up memories I've spent years trying to bury, but it's a necessary step on the road to healing.

Each session is a rollercoaster of emotions, a whirlwind of pain and fear and hope. But with each passing day, I feel a little stronger, a little more capable of facing the demons that lurk within. And while the road ahead may be long and treacherous, I refuse to let fear dictate my life any longer.

So to anyone out there struggling with PTSD and panic attacks, know that you're not alone. Reach out, seek help, and never give up on yourself. Together, we can face our demons head-on and emerge victorious on the other side.

The Reaper-Medic - When the weight starts to become too much

The Reaper-Medic

In the dead of night, he roams the streets,

The Paramedic Reaper, silent beats,

His cloak of darkness, hides the pain,

Of all the lives he couldn't regain.

With every call, he feels the weight,

Of every soul he couldn't abate,

His hands, they tremble, as he tries,

To save a life, beneath dark skies.

Yet sometimes, death claims victory,

Leaving him with a bitter memory,

Of every loss, of every fight,

In the deep shadows of the night.

But still, he walks, with purpose true,

To help the ones he never knew,

For in his heart, a fire burns,

To save the lives that fate adjourns.

So let us honor his silent plight,

As he battles darkness every night,

The Paramedic Reaper, brave and bold,

In the face of death, a hero untold.

The Burden Alone - a Medic's Battle is a Lonely One

The Burden Alone

In shadows cast by flashing lights,

Where sirens wail through haunted nights,

A paramedic walks alone,

His silent battle, never shown.

Through corridors of endless fear,

He carries burdens, oh so dear,

His heart aches with each silent scream,

A shattered soul, lost in a dream.

With every call, a piece is torn,

A heart so heavy, deeply worn,

Yet, still he stands, a guiding light,

In darkest hours, through endless night.

For every life he's touched and saved,

A part of him, forever braved,

Yet in the quiet, when alone,

The ghosts of trauma, deeply groan.

His hands may heal, his voice may soothe,

But deep within, there's still a truth,

The scars of battles never fade,

In silent whispers, they cascade.

So let us honor those who serve,

With gratitude, our hearts deserve,

For every tear, for every sigh,

A hero stands, though he may cry.

The Invisible Battle

 "Understanding PTSD: The Invisible Battle Faced by Paramedics"

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) isn't just a buzzword; it's a debilitating mental health condition that can profoundly impact those who face traumatic experiences. For paramedics, who routinely encounter life-and-death situations and witness the aftermath of accidents, violence, and medical emergencies, the risk of developing PTSD is notably high.

PTSD is a complex disorder that can develop after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event. It manifests in a variety of symptoms, including flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, and avoidance behaviors. What sets PTSD apart is its ability to hijack the mind, replaying traumatic memories with such intensity that it feels as though the trauma is happening all over again, regardless of time and place.

Paramedics are particularly vulnerable to PTSD due to the nature of their work. They are constantly exposed to distressing scenes, often under extreme pressure and with limited resources. The emotional toll of witnessing human suffering and loss, coupled with the physical demands of the job, can take a significant toll on their mental well-being.

Moreover, paramedics face unique challenges in seeking help for their mental health struggles. The culture of stoicism and the expectation to remain resilient in the face of adversity can create barriers to seeking support. There's a fear of being perceived as weak or incompetent, leading many paramedics to suffer in silence rather than reaching out for assistance.

Recognizing the prevalence of PTSD among paramedics is crucial in addressing this issue. By fostering a culture of openness, understanding, and support within the emergency services community, we can break down the stigma surrounding mental health and encourage paramedics to seek help when they need it most.

It's essential to prioritize the mental well-being of those who dedicate their lives to saving others. By providing access to resources, training in resilience-building techniques, and destigmatizing conversations around mental health, we can better support paramedics in coping with the challenges of their profession and ultimately reduce the incidence of PTSD within this vital community.

Together we can survive!

-EngineMedic

To Hell and Back

 "PTSD as a Paramedic: A Personal Insight"

As a paramedic, PTSD isn't just a clinical term; it's a lived experience. It's like carrying the weight of every traumatic call you've ever responded to, even when the sirens are silent. It's the haunting echoes of screams, the vivid flashbacks of chaotic scenes, and the relentless replay of split-second decisions. It's feeling on edge, hyper-aware, even in moments of supposed peace. It's the exhaustion of constantly battling nightmares that blur the lines between past and present. 

PTSD for a paramedic is like navigating a minefield of triggers, where a simple scent or the sound of a distant siren can transport you back to the frontlines of trauma. It's feeling isolated, alone, misunderstood, and struggling to articulate the invisible wounds that cut deeper than any physical injury. 

But amidst the darkness, there's resilience – the unwavering commitment to saving lives, even if it means risking your own mental health in the process. So, to all my fellow paramedics battling PTSD, know that you're not alone, and seeking help isn't a sign of weakness but a courageous step towards healing.

PLEASE… I encourage you to share your thought and experiences…. This is a talk that needs to happen 

Deathfighters Unite! - resurecting the old and bringing the new......

 

Hey, I'm Back!

It feels surreal to be typing these words again after what seems like ages. But here I am, back in the blogosphere and ready to reconnect with all of you amazing people. So much has changed since we last caught up, and I can't wait to fill you in on the whirlwind of events that have unfolded in my life.

First and foremost, a significant milestone: I retired from the Air Force. It's been an incredible journey serving as an Air Force firefighter and EMT, from RAF Lakenheath to the intense landscapes of Iraq. In fact, I spent a solid two years in Iraq, a large portion of which I served as the Assistant Fire Chief of the VBC in Baghdad. Those were challenging times, but they also shaped me in profound ways.

Returning home, however, wasn't without its trials. I was met with the harsh reality of a divorce—a period of my life that forced me to take a step back and reevaluate everything. In the midst of sorting out life's complexities, I spent a year in law enforcement, navigating through the ups and downs while seeking clarity and purpose.

But amidst the chaos, there was light. A beacon of hope that came in the form of a wonderful woman I've known since we were both 15, way back in 1985. Our paths crossed again in 2010, and the rest, as they say, is history. We tied the knot in 2016, and I couldn't be more grateful for her unwavering love and support through it all.

Now, onto the professional front: I've embarked on a new chapter as a paramedic for the County. After several years of balancing the roles of paramedic and firefighter in the bustling Kansas City Metro area, I've made the decision to hang up my fire gear for good. It's a bittersweet farewell to a career that has defined much of my life, but I'm excited for the fresh challenges and opportunities that lie ahead in the world of emergency medical services.

Along with that, I also attended Film School. Yes... now I even Wrote, Produce, Film and Edit MOVIES! BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.... I am also a Director, Producer and Editor for a Paranormal show as well ! You really need to check it out (we need the views, anyway LOL). It's called "True Ghost Stories" and is a ghost hunting and paranormal investigations reality show. WAIT ! Don't run! This one is COMPLETELY Different...No fake BS, and, instead of a single team....we have 12 ! 12 teams scattered around the globe! It's free to watch to your heart's content on Red Coral Universe... give it a look....please :-)

CLICK HERE TO WATCH---> True Ghost Stories

As I settle into this new phase of life, I'm filled with a sense of gratitude for the journey that has brought me here and the countless individuals who have supported me along the way. And I'm equally grateful for all of you—the readers, friends, and fellow adventurers who have accompanied me on this rollercoaster ride.

So, here's to new beginnings, old friends, and everything in between. I'm back, folks, and I couldn't be happier to be sharing this space with you once again.

Until next time,

EngineMedic!